The Art of Commenting: what holds us back and how we can fix it

The art of commenting

When people leave comments on your site, is replying a pleasure or a chore? And away from your blog, do you reach out to other bloggers through their comment sections and become an active part of their communities, or do you remain a page view shadow: a small, silent jolt up their stats, identifiable only by your place on earth?

In this post, I’m coming from the angle that while we certainly don’t need to leave a comment on a blog post we’ve enjoyed, it’s not good to feel inhibited or uneasy about commenting.

I’d love it if we all felt free to comment, if we wished, and understood the etiquette when we do. 

Commenting can be contentious

Watching classmates interact in the Writing101 commons has made me think. An assignment asked people to take a comment they’d recently left and expand on it. Responses ranged from short and sweet to lengthy debates. Arpita Pramanick wondered aloud why people following her didn’t seem to be reading her posts: a higher follower count wasn’t translating to views, likes or comments.

Others had realised all their energy was going into writing posts and they were hardly reading other bloggers’ posts or commenting much at all. I have one foot in that camp: for me, reading is the other half of blogging, but I don’t comment as much as I’d like.

I speak to strangers.

Always have, always will. I’ll happily communicate with almost anyone one to one, off the cuff. When I can see the person I’m talking to, I watch how they’re responding. If I notice I’m being misunderstood, I rephrase.

I write equally freely when no one is watching. When I’m going to hit the ’publish’ button, concerns start to creep in. I have less power to observe how people respond. Will other people be wise enough to assume good intent, even if my words were clumsy?

Aspects of commenting still puzzle me so I often hold back, even when I’m inspired by the post and have something to say. Pressing ‘like’ isn’t a problem, but I’m not sure that my footprints are always welcome in another’s online home. I’m imagining my reader sometimes feels the same.

When people go out of their way to be friendly, it’s a hard heart that ignores them. I read every comment left on my blog and I try to take a look at the site of everyone who leaves a particularly thoughtful or helpful one. But do I always reply to every single person to make sure they know their comment was appreciated? No, I don’t. No excuses, that’s just a fact.

Liking is easier

A like is halfway to a comment: it’s a possible response, a button offered to us by programmers as an easy way to acknowledge any of many positive states of mind. Liking’s uncomplicated.

I read other blogger’s posts quite widely. I often ‘like’ a post. Does that leave some other human need unsatisfied? Sometimes, I know it does.

Bloggers crave feedback

If you know me from the commons for one of the Blogging U courses, you’ll have observed me commenting and socialising freely. I’ll venture a guess that ‘repressed’ is not the first phrase that will spring to mind. But outside the commons, I don’t comment that much until I’ve become pretty familiar with the blogger.

That’s a pity because one thing that comes over loud and clear on every Blogging U course is that bloggers crave feedback. When we press ‘publish’, the last thing we want to hear is a resounding silence. Recently I’ve been asking myself why I’m too shy (or repressed?) to comment much outside the courses. By paying attention, I can see I’m far from alone. I believe it affects people from all points along the extroverts/introverts scale.

I’m sure you’ll have seen many bloggers putting themselves out there, trying to drum up support, asking others to read their posts and comment more. I can’t remember reading a post analysing why people are reluctant to comment, or to find bloggers wondering out loud why they so often fail to find the right words themselves.

Perhaps it’s blindingly obvious.

One long house party

You arrive unannounced at a party at a series of colourful private houses, open to the public, linked in ways you can hardly imagine. The party never stops. Space and time follow different rules here.

A click of your finger lets you pass freely from one room to the next without raising attention. Some homes are familiar, your regular haunts: others new.

You’re not introduced to the hosts. Guests from different nations enter rooms as anonymous shadows, though they’re automatically counted on the way in. Like you, they’re invisible unless they break cover by leaving some sign of their presence.

Some rooms seem quiet, empty. The host is speaking out loud, but no one has joined in yet. Will you be the first?

If you give a thumbs up sign before leaving, your picture is left behind in token of your approval. But many hosts seem to want more: they’re hopeful you’ll actually say something.

In your current room, you notice several guests have obligingly materialised and left comments. You feel safer here so you venture to say something, then quickly leave the room before getting a response.

More often, you merely watch as an outsider. Guests stand in line to give compliments or make observations, only rarely acknowledging the others alongside them. Hosts pass up and down the line like the Queen meeting the stars at a royal command performance.

You see hosts who are attentive to all their guests, effortlessly enjoying the party, finding the perfect response always on their lips. Others seem to have left the party long ago. Some hosts are clearly uncomfortable with the praise they are receiving, shaking it off as readily as a wet dog shakes off water.

Most hosts acknowledge some guests with thumbs up signs and respond to others with a personal answer. Some guests appear to have been ignored completely. Despite this, wherever there are guests, the atmosphere is convivial and supportive. In some rooms everyone seems to know each other: they’re bouncing with cheeriness, waving smilies at each other. It might not really be your thing, but you’re glad they’re having fun.

It seems OK for you to overhear every conversation, even the intensely private, tragic or confessional ones. You’re astounded at the bravery of some of the hosts: their lucidity and openness in the face of the things they’ve had to go through.

It’s hard to distinguish between the real, the embellished and the invented – but that hardly seems to matter. There are so many storytellers here.

If you linger any time at all, all of life seems to flash before you. You overhear pleasantries and jokes that make you laugh out loud; intense debates about serious issues that get you thinking; tragic events that move you. You see daily lives; glimpses of places you’ve never been.

One guest has already said exactly what you were thinking. Other responses perhaps seem a little inappropriate but who knows exactly the right response to a tragedy? Is there any etiquette you should be following? You’re invisible until you open your mouth to speak. Will you join in?

It’s a bit strange, isn’t it? That’s why it’s far from certain you will.

Do human beings need prompts cards too?

When we open a post and start to read, we have no idea what we’re going to find. Reading is the easy bit. It takes character to leave a public comment about a wide range of ideas and social issues on the blogs of people we have only just met.

Sci-fi fans watching the latest Doctor Who episode will have spotted his pack of neatly written human prompts cards. His companion has clearly provided him with ideas of appropriate things to say – social filters if you will – to help the awkward, alien Time Lord be more human. They included the (wildly optimistic):

‘No one is going to be eaten / vapourised / exterminated / upgraded / possessed / mortally wounded / turned to jelly. We’ll all get out of this unharmed.’

and

‘I didn’t mean to imply that I don’t care.’

The implication is that every human has comments like this at his or her command. And we do.


what’s the etiquette for leaving comments?

To break out of our self-imposed commenting straightjackets, all we need is a feel for the etiquette, some helpful tips on things to say and to start practicing. When in doubt, head straight to the Daily Post. Beyond that, the best way see etiquette in action is to watch how influencers we admire handle comments on their own blogs.

Some have likes and comments disabled (the brilliant marketeer Seth Godin for example). He’ll make it clear when he wants you to respond to specific prompts, and will provide a contact form. If we want to interact with Seth’s daily posts – and he makes sure we do – we need to share them on social media. I’m sure there are other principles at play here: he wants to control the debate and he knows how much creative energy it takes to reply to comments left on a popular blog.

Seth’s approach is extreme, but it’s an option.

At the other end of the scale, I love to watch Amanda of insidethelifeofmoi effortlessly patrolling her own comments and making numerous, thoughtful guest appearances in the comments sections of other people’s blogs. Check out any of her recent posts to see a commenting masterclass.

Being a better host is something we can all aim for, but be careful of what you want ‘cos you’ll surely get it. This is not a light undertaking. Look at the time stamps on the replies – masters like Amanda might be at this all night.

Popular people on all forms of social media have a get-out-of-jail-card-free – no reasonable person seriously expects them to watch their life slip away while they attempt to reply to everything, unless they like it. Bloggers like Amanda clearly do.

The middle way

When influencer Cheri Lucas Rowland laments her addiction to photographic enhancement in her post Instagram Has Ruined Me, the comments section is as meaty as the original post. Her entertaining take on a relevant topic has garnered eighty comments, many adding to the discussion.

Cheri resists the temptation to automatically press ‘like’ in reply. She moderates with a light hand, responding to perhaps 15% when she has something to say. Does it feel like enough?

Yes: especially as the post has shared in several prominent places, including The New York Times. Her light, editor’s touch shows confidence and helps give the comments section a life of its own.

I’m always surprised that people often read other comments, but rarely interact with anyone except their host. There must be some communal instincts at play. The dynamic would certainly change if interactions in comments sections were more like real world get-togethers.

I’d hazard a guess that most of us would be delighted if a blogger replied to the odd comment that particularly interested them on our blogs and a brief conversation ensued, but we would be far less impressed by someone who replied more widely to lots of people, seeming to usurp the role of host.

Moderating comments

Comments sections have been hitting the news: can it be true that they’re an endangered form of communication? Jessica Valenti recently argued in the Guardian that online comments should be ended, because of trolling. I get where she’s coming from, but agree with David Higgerson when he suggests that publications should actively manage their comments sections by investing in moderators.

WordPress bloggers are overwhelmingly kind and supportive. Perhaps that’s partly because we’re all moderators here: there’s no obligation to approve any comment we don’t want on our blogs. Our visitors have an incentive to be thoughtful about what comments they leave – it’s not possible to amend or delete comments left on another person’s blog.

10 snippets of commenting etiquette

Would you agree that most bloggers appear confident hosts in the haven of their own online homes, up for the challenge to moderate and interact? They may not get everything right, but they find a way that works for them. It’s when we venture out onto other people’s blogs that this natural facility to communicate somehow deserts us. These tips are designed to help:

  • Use offline, ‘real world’ etiquette online. 
    If someone sitting next to you plucked up the strength to share details of a tragedy they were living through, would you grin broadly and say ’have a happy day’? I wouldn’t. Commenting is essentially the same as ordinary conversation. If you wouldn’t say something face to face, don’t say it online.
  • Be prepared to give us something of yourself. Just don’t make it all about you.
  • Don’t change the subject.
  • It’s nice to be nice. 
    Make each comment a small act of kindness: a way to be warm, to encourage each other, to show you care.
  • Check out the blog of anyone who leaves you an interesting comment.
    You might meet a kindred spirit.
  • Please fill in your gravatar!
    I’m amazed that so many people who ‘like’ my blog haven’t added their sites to their gravatars. Your gravatar is a calling card you leave on every blog you visit and like or comment. Only leave a blank card if want to be anonymous.
  • It’s OK to respond thoughtfully to another person who has left a comment, even if it’s not your blog.
    But use discretion. It’s not OK to take over.
  • Don’t edit other people’s posts in a comment..
    There’s no reason to correct grammar or point out typos unless specifically encouraged to proof read a piece of writing.
  • Don’t leave a comment on someone else’s blog requesting feedback, follows or views or leave promotional links.
    It’s not just bad etiquette, it’s ineffective, counterproductive marketing.
  • Think carefully before leaving one of these on someone else’s blog:
    ‘Thanks for visiting / commenting / liking / following my blog’.
    I prefer this blogger’s version as it shifts the emphasis from ‘you like me’ to ‘I like you’:
    ‘I am glad you found your way to my blog so I could find my way to your blog. I look forward to reading more of your posts’.

30 ways to leave a meaningful comment

Knowing the etiquette is all very well, but it doesn’t offer much help with the basic issue of what to say. The best way is always to jump right in and practice, but if you’d like a commenting cheat sheet, here are some ideas:

Say what you liked
I prefer / this is my favourite
I enjoyed… (something specific)
This worked well
Pick out a quote from the piece (I liked it when you said…)
If the post has an interesting picture, respond to the technique or the subject choice or say how it makes you feel.

Be supportive
Encourage
Reassure
Give virtual hugs

Express a different viewpoint
Tread carefully – public critiquing is not always welcome. Be kind.
I’m not sure that will work
Have you considered this idea?
I disagree

Extend the debate
Broaden the idea, but don’t change the subject
Add extra research or a useful (non-promotional) link

Ask questions / request clarification
How did you do this?
What do you think about this?
Why did you choose this approach? Did you mean…?
I didn’t understand…

Give advice
Answer questions
My method is… / I use this
Offer practical help

Acknowledge resonance, endorse or validate
I feel the same / that works for me too / I understand
I’ve written about that (it may be appropriate to include a link to useful, related, supportive comment)
Share a related experience
That’s an interesting idea – it’s made me think…

Say thanks
Thanks for sharing / explaining
Thanks for drawing attention to this

Automatic notifications and links
Pingbacks
Reblogs
Keep your gravatar links up to date

Connecting with others

It’s possible for comments to trivialise or become a cacophony of white noise. Used thoughtfully they help us make connections, and give us a warm feeling. If I think of the bloggers I feel closest to since starting to blog, the ones whose posts I look forward to reading most, they’re the ones who talk to me in comments on my blog or their own: those who somehow (despite my inclination to keep silent) have encouraged me to come out of my shell. The kind ones.

It’s just a different level of understanding. I trust them; I know them; I like them.

They don’t just see blogging in terms of publishing a post, but go beyond that. They’re warm, natural and inviting; here to give as well as take. They truly have something to say, not only in published pieces, but in thoughtful, spontaneous ad-libs in comment sections too.

These people have given me more than they’ll ever know, just by being themselves and reaching out. They’ve made my blog richer – they’ve given it life.

I’m hoping to change

I’m not sure I’m cut out to be the perfect host. And I’m not planning to spread myself widely in other people’s comment sections, like the mysterious dust in Philip Pullman’s books, floating down over the blogosphere. World domination’s not for me!

But I will try to reach out that bit more. I’ll try not to accept the tempting excuse quite so often: ‘I don’t know what to say’. I’ll remind myself I am welcome – that every comments box is an invitation.

It does feel like I‘m still treading an overgrown path, so yes, I have to make the effort, but each conversation I have in the comments section clears one bramble away; opens up a new way to connect with people around the world. Perhaps it’s not friendship exactly, but it’s something real and strangely akin to it. So if you see me coming your way, hold back a bramble in welcome for me.

And if you find yourself feeling daunted in the face of an empty comments box, despite having something to say, just remind yourself that in this case at least:

“No one is going to be eaten / vapourised / exterminated / upgraded / possessed / mortally wounded / turned to jelly. We’ll all get out of this unharmed.”

Have you anything to add to this Commenting 101?

Do you ever catch yourself thinking ‘I want to comment but I don’t know what to say’ or feeling awkward replying to comments?
Are there any types of comments you do not like receiving?
Have you made any mistakes about commenting? I’ll confess mine if you confess yours!

94 Replies to “The Art of Commenting: what holds us back and how we can fix it”

  1. Excellent post! Guilty as charged here 🙂 We should all learn something from this post. Even if we can better ourselves just a snippet each day will help. Our busy lives dictate our time left to comment and a “like” is much easier. I know I love it when someone makes a comment…makes me feel like I touched someone and maybe made a difference in their lives. Thank you so much for this post. Hugs

    1. Thanks for the reblog and for explaining how happy you feel when someone leaves a comment. You’re right, if we all just left one or two comments extra, that would help spread the love!

  2. This is a great subject. As I commented on MLou’s blog, who reblogged this so I could find it :), if it hadn’t been for the commentary, I would have lost interest in blogging years ago. It takes very little to leave a small footprint on blogs you’ve taken the time to read. And in turn, to respond to those who’ve taken the time to comment on your own. I highly recommend leaving comments, responding to comments, and basically, joining the conversation. This practice has added more than one true friend to my life and that makes it all worth while. 🙂

    1. Those are wise words. I’ve been really surprised how quickly I’ve come to feel attached to people I only know because we often read – and comment on – each other’s posts.

      1. Quickly is right. And what surprises me even more is how natural some of these connections are…as if we’ve known each other for a long time…and I believe it’s because we gravitate towards those in whom we see qualities we’d like to see in ourselves? That’s my story anyway…and I’m absolutely stickin’ to it! Thanks for taking the time to write; always fun for me to meet new and interesting folks.

  3. Thanks for this interesting post Susan. You have covered everything that I wish I’d known when I first started my blog. It’s been trial and error for me. Sometimes I write a comment and then delete it before sending. It’s so easy to be misunderstood. Writing a brief comment does not really convey tone of voice, sense of humour or personality… especially if it’s a new blogging friend. If I’m dithering then we are lucky on WordPress there’s always the Like button.

    1. I don’t want to imply I’ve got all this down, because I haven’t. I sometimes write a comment and delete it before sending too (even when I’ve thought about it quite deeply). And I’m very fond of the like button!

      While I’ve been writing this, I’ve kept coming back to realising what a new form of expression commenting is – and blogging even – compared to things like poems, essays, letters and plays that have been around for centuries. We’re all learning and finding our way.

      1. When I LIKE a post it appears on my blog page. I’ve set the POSTS I LIKE widget to appear in the sidebar and set it for 10 images to be shown in a grid. In some ways Liking is easier than commenting but I definitely wouldn’t want to recommend all the posts I read so I operate selective Liking too. I have noticed that some very experienced bloggers don’t seem to comment, like or even share very much information and yet they are still popular.

  4. I love both reading and responding to comments and also love it when I’ve enjoyed a post enough to comment. I think that is what makes our blogging house a home.

  5. I was over-joyed to read and think about the art of commenting. I’ve noticed that sometimes I feel like I’m surrounded with obligatory “white noise,” catch myself and try to be more creative with my responses. I am guilty of having used the following too repetitively: “Thanks for commenting, thanks for liking…”and now I have a heads-up to try to make my replies a bit more interesting. Thank-you for nudging me with your words to continue to drift towards a more unique interaction with fellow bloggers. Love your post! (P.S. Normally I would have just said, “Love your post!”)

    1. Your P.S. made me smile.

      You’ve hit the nail on the head – we all aim to write like individuals on our blogs but we’re much more likely to feel we ought to say the ‘right things’ or conform to what everyone else says and does in the comments. So if we see people thanking others for following, we feel some pressure to do the same. I’m sure ‘drifting towards a more unique interaction’ will have bring lots of rewards.

      1. I’ve already seen those rewards, but on a limited basis. More to come! I’m happy that you smiled at my P.S. I enjoy being humorous at times.

    2. It’s kind of awkward for me as well I guess. If someone comments, “Great post!” how do you respond except for just saying thanks. “Yes, I thought it was great too!” That would be hilarious but also arrogant.

      1. So true, Jenn! I wait until the right comment comes and then I run with it. Sometimes all you can do is give a sincere thank-you.

  6. You’ve put together humongous information here. Thanks for that!
    Being a little introvert myself, I wish to confess that I feel I’ve offended the host in someway, if there is no reply / like to a comment left by me.
    In general, I make it a point that I give constructive feedback only.

    1. Your confession helps throw light on what I’ve come to believe is a surprisingly complex subject. I have sometimes felt that too – a comment can feel like putting ourselves on the line. I hope it’s rare that a well-meant, kindly comment will be taken the wrong way. Perhaps the best way is for us to think of each like or comment as a small gift. That way, the pleasure is in the giving – we don’t necessarily expect something in return.

      I decided to experiment by not liking comments on this post, but replying to them all instead. It only seems right.

      1. Thanks for the insights. Somehow, I felt this earlier comment didn’t get posted due to internet error. So I posted again a few seconds earlier. The app troubles sometimes. Regret inconvenience…

  7. Wow… What can I say? Good post! B-)

    A couple of things I probably shouldn’t admit but I will anyway.
    I don’t take well to being complimented. It’s probably something to do with my lack of self esteem… But on the other hand I all but leap for joy when I get an email telling me that someone liked one of my posts.

    I also don’t “like” posts simply because a person I follow had written something. I don’t feel the need to do this. I’m not being nasty here am I?

    Lots of people seem to like every comment that appears on their Blog. Is that a thing?
    I think comment “likes” are just a silent way of saying you agree or like what they have said without feeling the need to elaborate.

    Last thing.
    I would really hesitate to post a comment to a new blog I found until I have read a few posts and found that I just stumbled on the one part that wasn’t a puddle of hate or stupidity… I have been bitten before. B-(

    That’s it from me. *bows*
    Keep up the good work!

    1. I understand what you’re saying. If I didn’t particularly enjoy a post I don’t click like just because I follow the person, unless it’s someone I consider a virtual “friend.” I just view that as being a supportive friend.

      1. I see what you mean. Fair point.
        Would you also then like a bad post?
        I hope I’m not being rude or anything here, I genuinely want to know!

        1. A true stinker – no…but if it’s just average, not their best work, but they’re a friend, probably.

    2. You’ve come to the right place for confessions – they’re very welcome! You ask if we like every comment we receive, does that devalue likes? It’s a quandary – I sometimes think it might, but I don’t have all the answers.

      I don’t press ‘like’ on every comment I receive, but in truth, it’s extremely rare for me not to like one of them! I have noticed that likes without comments end conversations.

        1. I don’t want to suggest we’re bound to comment if we don’t find the topic interesting (we’re clearly not) or to suggest that a brief comment might not sometimes say it all. But as Olga said nearer the top of the chain, by opening up and showing a little more of yourself, blogging becomes more fun.

  8. Excellent post! I’m still building my readership, so if I get 5-10 comments on a post I feel obligated to respond, even if it’s just a thank you, because I’m thankful that they took the time to read what little old me has to say. I would like my responses to be more insightful, something I’m working on. I think that I am getting better and leaving insightful comments on other blogs because I make sure to only follow bloggers whose writing style I enjoy and are virtual kindred spirits. I used to follow almost everyone who left a comment on my blog and my reader was full of posts about subjects I didn’t really get. Now I can say I truly enjoy reading the posts in my reader instead of just scanning through.

    1. I think you’re right to be selective so your Reader is a treat not a chore. I follow some topics I enjoy, regularly search for posts on others and follow individual bloggers when I feel really confident I’m going to enjoy reading almost all of what they write. I love your term ‘virtual kindred spirits’ – I wish I’d thought of that!

  9. Another comment on the comments seen here so far….see how much you’ve opened the door that stood between to comment or not to comment? Fabulous dialogue going on here and I imagine more of the same on their blogs too!

    1. Yes, they’re proving me wrong when I said it people tend not to have conversations with each other or perhaps taking advantage of the dispensation – I don’t know! There are a few of my Writing101 buddies in here – Blogging U commons are great places for relaxing all the rules and shaking things up a bit. I’m loving it!

      1. You invited people to make a comment and talk. Rather than dispensing info. Maybe that’s it?
        Also, I have to admit that if nobody else has posted before me then I don’t think I would have been brave enough.
        So thank you to that person!

        1. Yes, thank you Mary Lou! I have to say I was relieved to get the first comment – it would have been terrible to write a post like this and not get a single one.

          I’m always aware how hard it is for people who are writing to an empty room – it’s somehow easier to join in when we’re not the first. I do feel we all have some responsibility to welcome newcomers to blogging, much like we would welcome newcomer at work or a social event.

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